On a Round with Your Dad
One week ago (at least when you’re reading this essay [which I hope you are, and I hope you’re sharing it and commenting on it and enjoying it because all that helps me continue to put out this product for free EVERY WEEK!]) was my dad’s birthday. I won’t tell you how old he is, that’s his cross to bear, but the man is ACTIVE for any age. One of the ways we’ve truly bonded, especially since the pandemic, has been through golf. I wanted to take this week to really revel in how special it is to get to play 18 holes with your old man.
I want to start by recognizing how lucky I am. I know a lot of people have pretty rough relationships with their fathers, if they have one at all. It was only a few generations ago that most fathers spent a portion of their lives in grueling wars or hellish working conditions and then were told to bury those emotions, to bury their trauma because to admit fear or anxiety or worry was unbecoming of a man. Without the tools to deal with one’s own emotions, how the heck is one supposed to deal with the emotions of a child? Well, I got lucky and I got a dad who not only showed his love but showed fear and worry and sadness and gave me the freedom to feel those feelings too.
Even with the openness in our relationship, really talking isn’t always easy. It rarely is with people you love. What makes it easier though, is being locked into an activity for four to five hours, to have the green earth under your feet, the blue sky above your head, and a game at your fingertips. Someone once said that women talk face-to-face while men talk shoulder-to-shoulder. Golf, for us, is the shoulder-to-shoulder activity that gives us the space to be our true selves. It gave me the space to worry about my career and decide it might be time to hang up writing and try for something else. It gave me the space to ask how one knows when they’re ready to start a family. It gives him the space to answer honestly and emotionally.
Golf certainly isn’t for everyone, but if you’re lucky enough to have a relationship with your father you might have a shoulder-to-shoulder activity that helps you talk. Maybe it’s working on cars, or hunting, or carpentry, or puzzles, or watching hockey. I just wanted to take the time to really think about how lucky I am to share those few hours a week with a man who has taught me so much about how to be a man and the game that has given us the space and the security to have those conversations.
Happy belated birthday pops! Love you, man.
Do you have a favorite shoulder-to-shoulder activity? Maybe one you did with a male role model or friend?
On a big birthday in the distant past I was able to get out of work in time to watch a double header in which you caught one game, pitched in the other and were awarded a game ball, which you presented to me. That was a pretty great birthday present. This one tops it. Love you more than I can say. Proud of you, too.
I am not the least bit surprised that you have that kind of relationship with your dad. I for one, know for sure he is a special person. Working with him on Murphy Brown many years ago was maybe the best working experience I have had in my 30 year career in the film business. He was one of the funniest, most appreciative and sensitive producer writers I have ever had the pleasure to know, along with Gary, Korby and Diane. What a team! They made me feel so valued. When I was nominated for an Emmy he and Gary came to the Emmy Show and sat with us. No other producer has ever done that whenever I was nominated. It was so special!! I will never forget it!