On Fast Food

My stomach is in knots, my throat is dry, and my skin is clammy. My thoughts are racing and my hands are shaking (and no, this isn’t my own personal rendition of the King of Queens theme song). 1 of 2 things is going on: I’m either in the drive through of a fast food joint staring at the menu, desperate to put together the perfect order to satisfy my cravings…or it’s the next day and I’m dealing with the consequences of said order. I love fast food, I always have. Clearly, a lot of other people do too because you can’t throw a potato without hitting a building equipped to fry it. But, fast food isn’t all delicious milk shakes and happy meal toys, it’s a fascinating focal point of arguments that could tear a family, or even a country apart.

If I’m being honest, the start of that last paragraph isn’t just my attempt at humor, it’s exactly how I’m feeling. Last night I went to an incredible local burger place called Burgers Never Say Die. It’s basically like if McDonalds used really good ingredients, made super high-quality food, and cost twice as much. Even though it was amazing, I still ate basically my body weight in beef and fries. Still totally worth it, and in a way, even more so because the consequences are real (and yes, I fully realize this makes me old. As a kid I could eat all the garbage I wanted and still feel fine but now I have a stomach as sensitive as a fancy Victorian woman).

Because I feel so terrible the day after Taco Bell or McDonalds or whatever, every time I eat it, it’s that much more special. If I could just eat a quesarito anytime I wanted, without feeling like I was dying, I’d do just that! The opportunities are limited and special though, which sometimes leads to intense conflict!

What do you do for your treat meal if you’re craving a big disgusting burger, piled high with all kinds of nonsense, but your significant other can’t stop thinking about a certain establishment’s spicy chicken sandwich?! Well, odds are one of you is going to end up a tiny bit disappointed. But, even that has nothing on the regional fights over who has the best fast food place! 

Everybody makes fun of White Castle but hey, there was a 4-hour line for the one they opened in Orlando, and nobody’s made a movie called “Harold and Kumar Go to Jack In The Box”. Texas is weirdly defensive about Whataburger even though I’ve never heard anybody say it’s their favorite (besides, of course, Bobby Hill). And of course, every part of the US that doesn’t have one likes to talk mad shit on In N Out even though it really is SO good and SO cheap (it’s not their fault that 100% of the time there’s a 20-car line)!

So, even though fast food makes us feel terrible, makes us fight, and is absolutely one of the causes of heart disease and hypertension and, well lots of other bad stuff, (in moderation) fast food rules! Who else is there for you at 5am when you need a sausage McMuffin? Who else is there for you at 11pm when you just gotta have spicy chicken nuggets? 

What about you? What’s your go-to order at your favorite fast food place?