On Getting a Few Inches Off the Top

I’ve been thinking about haircuts a lot recently (probably too much). Over the last pandemic filled year or so, myself (and many others) really let our flows grow wild. Some of my friends cut their own hair. Some of them had their roommate or significant other cut it for them (to varying degrees of success). I personally had my mom buzz almost all of my hair off right after the pandemic started and once more in the middle of it. Besides that, I let it grow longer than I had since I was in middle school. 

But in that glorious moment, that eye of the covid storm, when things looked like they were getting better, before anti-vaxxers helped usher in the delta variant, I actually went out to a barber shop and got my hair cut, professionally, for the first time in about fifteen months. It had been long enough that the entire experience felt foreign again. It really had me thinking about the process from a fresh perspective, and I came to a brand-new conclusion: haircuts are super stressful, man!

Over the months, I’d grown so accustomed to my long hair that I was worried I’d look stupid without it… despite knowing that I’ve lived basically my entire adult life with short hair. Compounding matters was the fact that I was getting my hair cut at a new place. I don’t know bangs from a bob so whenever I’m sitting in that chair, waiting for my turn, I’m sweating bullets trying to figure out a suitable answer for “So what are we doing today?” And even after years of attempts, my best response is some mumbled form of “a little off the top and short on the sides.” How much off the top? How short on the sides? Do you want a taper? Rounded or square on the back? Do you want fries with that? What’s the square root of a million? I DON’T KNOW AND IT STRESSES ME OUT! 

How am I still so bad at getting my hair cut? All I have to do is sit there and yet I completely dread it! Do I sit there quietly and try to relax and not think about how maybe I asked for something that’ll make me look unbelievably silly? Do I try to make conversation and thus sap precious attention away from the professional who is maneuvering scissors and whirring blades mere millimeters from my ears?! 

And what in the ever-living fuck am I supposed to say when they ask how I like it!? It takes me like a week, minimum, to figure out if I like a haircut and by then I’ve already completely forgotten what I asked for! And this is coming from a guy who gets, what I assume to be, the simplest kind of haircut known to humans. What if I wanted something complicated, or color, or a design, or something that required more words than “short”?! 

And then my girlfriend or my mom or a friend says, “hey did you get a haircut? It looks nice!” and all the pain and worry and anxiety melts away until next time.

So, what about you? Do you like haircuts? Do you know what to ask for? Please dear god, any tips.