On Hittin’ Snooze

I’ve written, at length about how bad I am at falling asleep. Going off that, you’d be forgiven for assuming that since it takes me forever to fall asleep, and I often don’t get much of it, I’d be terrible at waking up. Well, my friends that is unfortunately not the case. I sleep like a firefighter in a town made of gasoline with matchstick houses. I wake at the slightest rustle, the faintest dog bark, the most insanely loud exhaust system blasting down the 101 freeway at the speed of sound (okay that one would probably wake most people up… but it also wakes me up!). So, when my alarm goes off, I’m almost instantly awake…but my status as a terrible sleeper doesn’t deprive me of every slumberer’s greatest weakness and favorite consort: hittin’ snooze.

It’s funny, when I told my girlfriend I was writing about hitting snooze this week, she said, “oh are you going to roast me because I hit snooze like 10 times every morning?” And I replied, of course not, I’d never roast you on the internet…but I will quote you roasting yourself. And even then, it’s barely a roast! Because everybody loves snoozing! I’ve never in my life met a single person who doesn’t like snoozing! In any conversation, with anyone, I dare you to bring up hitting snooze in the morning. I bet you $5 that they will exclaim something along the lines of, “Love snoozing!” or “oh man, snoozing is the best” or they’ll just let out a guttural sound of primal pleasure that lets you know they’re thinking long and hard about the last time they snoozed.

So, yes, snoozing is the best. There’s no two ways about it. Nothing, and I mean nothing, feels better than telling yourself, your alarm, and the rest of the world: just five more minutes. Really luxuriating in the warm, embryonic comfort of a cozy bed on a cold morning is just about the closest thing I could imagine to heaven. Like when you die, if you’ve been good, you get a bed made of clouds that’s soft and fluffy and always the perfect temperature, and every now and then an alarm goes off but you can snooze as long as you want and you never have to get up to pee.

But, life isn’t all cloud beds and eternal bladders. Most of the time, you actually do have to get up at some point. In all honesty, though, I think that’s what makes snoozing so intoxicating! The fact that it’s a limited resource, that you can feel each and every second of that snooze melting away like an ice cream on a hot day.

Snoozing is the drugs of sleeping, it’s the dragon you’re chasing, comedown you’re avoiding, the sweet sweet high you’re craving. But, drugs aren’t drugs if they last forever…they’re just reality. So, while I’d love to just snooze forever, I don’t think it’d be the same if I never had to crawl out of my warm bed because I wouldn’t get to crave snoozing as badly as I do right now.

What about you? Are you a big snoozer? 1 snooze and done? Set your alarm a half hour early so you can hit snooze 10 times?