On Matrimonial Musings
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize something: weddings fucking rule. Now, I know this is probably the most controversial take I’ve posted. But before you close the browser tab, delete the email, smash the stone tablet, or burn the papyrus scroll that this essay is on… hear me out.
Weddings rule and they’re a million times better when one of your friends is getting married and a whole bunch of your other friends are at the wedding. I was lucky enough to attend such a wedding a few weeks ago and it was an absolute blast (shouts out to Chris and Kelsy, you guys looked gorgeous/handsome and happy). I know I’m kind of late to these feelings but let me explain why:
I went to more than my fair share of weddings as a kid, and like many things, they are completely wasted on the young. As a kid, weddings are boring! There’s so much talking and so many times when you’re supposed to be quiet and there’s no video games or transformers or Spider-man and you have to wait forever for cake! Not only that but there’s kissing! Gross! Getting to go absolutely crazy on the dance floor is pretty great though. Everyone is stoked for you but eventually you get too tired and then you have to cry for a few hours (but I still feel like that when I get too tired… somethings never change.)
I was unlucky enough to miss a couple other weddings in the last few years, first because I had to attend a family member’s Bat Mitzvah (which was very fun!). I guess you only turn 13 once and you could, hypothetically, get married an unlimited amount of times given enough money and a very patient divorce attorney. And secondly, because I’m a writer, I very often have zero money, which is less than enough to fly to a destination wedding that looked incredibly fun over Instagram stories which I watched through a torrent of tears (but hey, that experience is helping me fill out this essay so… silver linings!).
Then there are weddings where you know the bride or groom but not many other people. I had a really good time at one of these in the pre-pandemic era… except for one thing: I foolishly forgot to try on my suit (which I barely ever wear) until a half hour before the wedding. And what do you know, the jacket was too small, the belt was somehow too big, and the pants were ABSOLUTELY too small. I spent the rest of that day having my thighs slowly choked out by vindictive suit pants while my upper body looked like Chris Farley doing the “Fat guy in a little coat” bit from Tommy Boy.
But this time, everything was perfect. The venue was beautiful, I only cried (quietly) at the appropriate times, and I didn’t shred my clothes like the Incredible Hulk.
So, what’s the best wedding you’ve ever been to? Any do’s and don’ts for an amazing time at a wedding?
Love this one. Even if you did fail to mention (or only mentioned obliquely) your cousin Jamie's wedding in Madison when you were maybe ten or eleven. You were going through a brief "chubby" period just before you sprouted into the svelte beach god look you have now, and you looked like Tony Soprano's kid in your little rented tux, and sweated like Tony Soprano having one of his anxiety attacks.
But I digress. My favorite wedding? Had to be mine to the woman currently sitting near me on the couch. It was a home made affair (I was a struggling actor) in a friend's family's backyard with chicken wings cooked by a friend, a mixtape I created at another friend's home studio, a lot of cheap alcohol, a delicious cake we splurged on (I remember devil's food but she says it was carrot and she's usually right about these things) and just enough of an...energy enhancing substance to keep the bride and groom up and extremely sociable until everyone had left. She looked gorgeous, all of our closest friends were there (one of whom performed a Universal Life Church service along with the municipal judge we had employed, the music sounded great and we all danced our brains out. Years later we ran into the judge on the street in Beverly Hills - a small silver haired guy with a mustache who looked incredibly like the rich guy in the top hat on the Monopoly "Advance Token To Boardwalk" card - and asked him if he remembered marrying us. He said, "Of course I do. You're the actor, and you" (to Susan, obviously) "are the prettiest little girl I ever married."
Generally speaking, except for very few circumstances (like one of the principals doesn't show up) weddings themselves are relatively mundane. The post-nuptial party, on the other hand, can be pretty amusing, if not downright wild. I've been through a couple myself, both very low-key, and several variants of the bacchanalian blow-out seen at a theatre near you. Orthodox Jewish weddings tend to be exuberant, but controlled, for example. I can't speak much for Catholic weddings, except for the ones portrayed in the Godfather movies. I suspect they don't represent the norm, don't you? Other religious traditions are a mystery to most of us Westerners, but I suspect they too run the gamut. In summary, you have to run with the crowd that's present and play it by ear. So sit back in the pews, applaud the happy couple, and be ready for whatever comes your way at the reception. And don't forget to kiss the bride.