On Road Trips
People from around the world, since time immemorial, have loved going on road trips. From pre-historic humans crossing the Bering Strait to the Griswold family trying to make it to Walley World, humans have always enjoyed covering long distance with their friends and family in search of a better life, better food, or just a better place to go on vacation. But, depending on who you talk to, road trips have a mixed reputation, and that’s what I’d like to explore today, the good and bad of taking a trip on the open road.
Let’s start with the bad stuff because I think it’s going to be funnier. First up: peeing. Having to pee on a road trip is my number one most annoying thing. Since the pandemic and being home pretty much every second of every day, I drink an obscene amount of water (see my essay about chugging water at 3am) which means that I gotta get rid of that water, pretty much every five minutes. I hate feeling dehydrated and I love going into a gas station on a long drive and finding something interesting to drink. A random Gatorade that I’ve never heard of? Give me that Lunar Volcano Blast. A crazy souped-up bottled coffee drink? Sure, I’ll take a million grams of coffee. A strange kombucha? Sign me up for those wild mushroom probiotic thingies.
But then for the next two hundred miles, I feel like I’m gonna pee my pants. And if you’re driving with other people, you don’t want to be the one that has to stop every hour and on and on… I’ve talked too much about pee already.
The next downside of driving obvious, the boredom. Recently I drove with my girlfriend and a couple friends to Mammoth, which is about five hours from LA. Parts of this drive are breath taking. Cruising through Angeles National Forrest is gorgeous. The views of the mountains of Sequoia National Forrest are breathtaking. Mammoth itself is beautiful. What isn’t so great is the one million miles of barren desert. Deserts suck. I wish I had more words to explain how boring deserts are but they’re just so bleh.
Last bad thing then I promise I’ll be more positive: headlights. Driving at night on a road trip is much worse than driving during the day. The entire world might as well be desert! You miss all the best views, everything is more stressful, and there’s always someone driving behind you in a raised truck who hasn’t had their headlights adjusted and you spend the next few hours getting your corneas blasted with free Lasik eye lasers. I hate it so much. Just thinking about it makes me furious.
On to the good parts of road trips! Oh shit, I’m running out of words… um okay, lightening round: lots of time for podcasts, go somewhere that isn’t your apartment, can’t answer work emails while you’re driving, sometimes other people pay for your gas, can drink caffeine at any time of day, and my number 1 favorite part of road trips…….an excuse to eat fast food! I swear, the only time I’ve ever had Arby’s is on a road trip. Carl’s Jr, Burger King, Del Taco, Weinersnitchel! These are all places I’d probably never eat if I wasn’t on a road trip, but hey variety is the spice of life, right?
What are your best and worst parts of road trips?
Love road trips! Love them. Back in my youth (not quite crossing the Bering Strait days, but a while ago) all we had was AM radio. Downside, being in parts of the country where all you heard were revivalists preaching about eternal damnation and how you could avoid it by sending ten dollars right now; upside, discovering a station you couldn't get back home that played great blues or rockabilly. Then we got cassettes, then multi-disc changers, eight, ten, twelve speaker sound systems and you could set your own playlist; then came books on tape, and now the endless selection of podcasts you mentioned, plus the playlist from your phone. Yeah, there can be boredom, but you've got so many more antidotes than ever before. And if you really want to have an amazing trip that isn't quite a road trip, but isn't a plane either, travel by train, especially an overnighter with a sleeping car, is an absolute blast, and a taste of a bygone era.
Oh, one last bummer you didn't mention - gas station toilets. I'd rather find some bushes and sing very loudly to scare off bears than try to survive a visit to one of those hazmat sites.
I don’t know that I’d equate prehistoric peoples crossing the Bering Strait to the Griswold’s Walley World adventures but, hey, what do I know about other people’s vacations? I love road trips! Getting up before dawn, hot coffee in travel mugs, fast food when you are just soooo hungry! not to mention changing landscapes and a great book on tape! I get all nostalgic about road trips. Just love them!