On Shark Movies
I’m not a big fan of horror movies. I find the world scary enough as it is without evil nuns, Babadooks, and Texas chainsaw massacres. Plenty of people love this shit, though. They show up to movie after movie, ready to sit down on a pleasant afternoon and watch the most horrifying murders, the most faith-shaking possessions, and the most traumatic traumas…then they just go about their days! I’m obviously not one of those people, but I am dating one. For all of the nightmare-inducing horror movies I can’t stand… there is one sub-genre of horror movies that I really do enjoy. That, my friends, is shark movies.
I showed up to this sub-genre pretty late in life. You can blame my parents. They forced me to see all kinds of theatre, marched me through all types of museums, and exposed me to untold masses of boring culture…and yet, they never ONCE showed me Jaws! The first time I saw Jaws I was, I think, 29 years old! On the bright side, I did have my first viewing of at the Hollywood Bowl with a live orchestra which kicked an incredible amount of ass. Needless to say, Jaws is a nearly perfect movie and if it’s been a while since your last viewing, take this as a sign that you’re due for a re-watch.
Shark movies as a sub-genre of horror are super fascinating to me. They have demonic and nearly un-killable villains, they have unsuspecting (and usually stupid) victims, and they have copious amounts of gore, but they don’t bother me a fraction as much as other horror movies. The differences between The Shallows(a movie where a surfer is stuck on a reef with a deadly shark between her and the shore) and something like Saw (where a little freak in a mask tortures people) are honestly pretty minuscule. They’re both about being in a powerless situation where a terrifying being holds your life in their hands (or fins, I guess). The biggest difference for me is that the horror of Saw takes place in a gross, fluorescent-lit, basement while The Shallows takes place under the blistering sun and solitary moon. This wide-open setting (even if the depths of the ocean can be quite claustrophobic) really makes a difference.
I think one other aspect of shark movies that sets them apart from other horror movies is that most of them are absolutely dog shit. Recently I saw The Meg 2: The Trench and let me tell you, I laughed harder at that movie than I have at any comedy in the last decade. It’s so bad that it made my head spin. Imagine if the first two-thirds of Jurassic Park were about the industrial processes that go into making electric fences! It’s insane: you have a sequel to a successful movie about the largest shark to ever exist in the history of Earth and you spend the first hour and a half of the sequel talking about underwater mining with the Megs as an afterthought. Of course, the acting is terrible and the writing is even worse but at least the last half hour is the blood-filled chomp-fest that we’ve all been waiting for.
It blows my mind how few good shark movies there are. Besides Jaws there’s really only a handful of passable ones and that is a real shame…which is why my 2024 Presidential Campaign promise is “A chicken in every pot and two shark movies in every theatre!”
What’s your favorite shark movie? Do you love them? Hate them?
1. Shark movies ARE THE BEST and Jaws is probably the best it’ll ever get. But the shallows was pretty great too!
2. I just want everyone to know that the first Saw is amazing and not about torture. It does take place in a dingy dark room though.
Interesting observation, Will. I see shark movies as an aquatic subset of the "Nature turns on us" genre. That includes the Jurassic Park franchise, "The Night of the Grizzly", and even "Cujo". In the shark case, we get occasional reminders on the network news when somebody gets bitten surfing off of Nantucket, or wherever. The original movie is probably responsible for this, as there are often references to it in the reporting. There's also a relationship to the "robot rebellion" genre, where humans get some comeuppence from our technological hubris, and the epidemic-themed movies that have become reality with Covid. I guess we keep trying to remind ourselves of our vulnerability, and sometimes our culpability, in messing up our own lives and world, and the fact that sometimes we're what's for dinner. "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water."