On the Chaos of a Night on the Town

This past weekend I had the absolute pleasure of going to Salt Lake City for my cousin’s wedding. The ceremony was beautiful, the vows made me tear up, the venue was gorgeous, and the temperature was in the triple digits. One of the best parts of a family wedding is getting to see all the aunts, uncles, and cousins you’d normally only see once a year, at best. So, when you get that opportunity, you have to make the most of it…and that can lead to the chaos of a night on the town.

The wedding ended around 11 pm, and several cousins reconvened at the hotel bar shortly thereafter. We all know that Utah has the most insane liquor laws in these united states but something about dealing with them in person makes the state all the more idiotic. After watching my cousin’s significant other try to order a double vodka soda only to be told that was ILLEGAL and he could only get an ounce and a half (that half ounce made all the difference on whether we’d make it to Joseph Smith’s heaven or not), we couldn’t stop shit-talking Utah’s liquor laws.

Our shit-talking happened to attract the attention of two folks sitting at the end of the bar. A pair of foreigners in the States on a business trip who shared in our dismay. We became fast friends with a gal from Liverpool and her coworker from Wales. He was almost brought to tears when all four of us not only knew what and where Wales was, but when half of us had actually been there (shows you the state of education in the US that the expectations are so low…).

When the hotel bar closed at the sorry hour of midnight, we decided to take our business to a local bar, and to our delight, our new friends agreed to join us! After a short walk, we arrived at a bar that was packed to the brim with college students. Nothing makes me feel older than seeing a bar full of young 20-somethings ordering the most disgusting drinks you’ve ever seen because they’ve never experienced a real grownup hangover.

After an hour of delightful conversation and international relations boosting, it was time to head back to the hotel with the specter of the next morning’s flights looming. The walk was an easy one…that was until we heard a voice from behind just as we arrived back at the hotel, “Is that your girl? You need to have her on your right side! Don’t let her walk on your left!” I turned around, and imagine my shock when I saw the least threatening, most drunk, 60-something-year-old man I’ve ever seen.

I told this liquored-up boomer to keep his comments to himself, not to tell women what to do, and to keep walking. That dumb bitch got right in my face and of course, I wasn’t going to back down, so I told him to shut his mouth and keep walking. A few more rounds of us saying the same things and my wonderful fiancé pulled me away. When I looked back, this boozehound had put his hands on my cousin’s boyfriend’s neck…and was immediately and rightfully pushed to the ground.

Thankfully hotel security saw the event unfolding and stepped in at this point, followed the crusty old geezer to his room, and proceeded to kick him out of the hotel. They made sure we were all okay (of course we were, this guy couldn’t have broken down a cardboard box), and we went our separate ways to relay the story to anyone who would hear it!

I’m sure all of you have some long nights that turned into even longer stories, I’d love to hear them!