On the Evilest Thing in Your House

Okay, close your eyes for me. Or I guess read along a little farther then close your eyes. Now, imagine your living space. Think about all of the objects that inhabit this space. From your vacuum to your socks, from your shampoo to your spatula. Within this group of objects, there exists a spectrum…or rather several spectrums. You have favorite to least favorite items, most expensive to least expensive, and oldest to newest. What I’m here to write about is a little more subjective…at least until you get to one end of this spectrum. I’m here to write about the evilest thing in your house.

I’m pretty confident on one end of the spectrum, so I’ll start out on the other end, just for fun. What’s the item you own that’s the purest good? I’m trying to figure it out for myself right now. Maybe it’s my pillow which I really like and almost always helps me sleep…although it’s maybe too good and therefore it promotes sloth, so it’s out. Maybe it’s my water bottle which I’m constantly drinking from. It keeps me hydrated but at the same time it doesn’t fit in any cupholders and it makes a HORRIBLE sound when I drop it on the ground…water bottle is out. Could it be my shampoo? It helps me get clean, smells pretty good, and doesn’t really promote any of the seven deadly sins…so until I think of something better, I guess my shampoo is the purest good item in my apartment? That feels like it can’t possibly be true, but for the sake of time, we’ll move on.

Now on to the meat of the topic: the evilest thing in your house. For this side of the spectrum, I actually do have an answer. Let’s talk it out a little before I show my cards, though. I want to get the obvious answers out of the way, it’s definitely not your knives. Yeah you could cut yourself, but you could hit your thumb with a hammer and I doubt anybody’s mind immediately went to hammer as the evilest object in the space. I think you could make a case that whatever junk food you have in your home is pretty evil. It’s not good for you but at least for a moment it’ll make you happy…and there’s a certain comfort in knowing it’s there if you need it, even when you’re eating well.

Enough dilly-dallying, though, it’s time to reveal the object…it is…very clearly…the alarm clock! I know most of us don’t have a dedicated alarm clock anymore, it’s usually an app on our phones but STILL. I’ve never hated an object more than I hate my alarm clock each and every morning. Sure, it’s just doing what I ask in waking me up but I HATE IT. I’ve never once been excited to hear my alarm go off. If I’m actually excited to wake up, I’ll wake up before my alarm starts blaring at me. What other object in your house has a dedicated button that stops it from doing its job for a few minutes simply because it’s SO DAMN ANNOYING.

So, what do you think? Did I get it right? Am I way off? What’s your most evil object?