On the Hell that is Flying Internationally

Last week I wrote about the magic of getting engaged, the anxiety that came in the runup to that one fateful question, and the stress dreams that went along with it all. Today, though, I want to focus on one of the worst parts of modern society. It’s something that we, curiously, were better at 60 years ago, something we’ve precipitously backslid on, something that grinds my gears a WHOLE LOT. And that thing, my dear readers, is how shitty it is to fly internationally (unless of course, you’re filthy stinking rich, then it seems pretty chill)!

The idea for our trip started in 2022 when my beautiful fiancé turned 30. My gift to her was roundtrip airfare to Italy (a place she’d never been and at this point, I only had an inkling that I would propose on this trip). I knew it wouldn’t be a cheap flight, I mean, getting blasted through the sky for 6,000 miles has to have some reasonable cost attached to it. So, when we found some economy tickets that didn’t drive me into debt, I was fine with it. The thing that blew my mind was how astronomically the prices went up for every single amenity: you want a little bit of extra legroom? Hundreds of dollars! Do you want to pick where you sit on this plane? Ehhhh… 80 bucks, each. Do you dare to dream of upgrading to business class? You’re going to have to fork over your car. Do you have the AUDACITY to EVEN THINK about first class? Basically a down payment on a house!

No problem, though. I fly economy all the time. I know it’s been a decade since I’ve flown to Europe but how bad can it be? Pretty bad, man, pretty bad. Getting on that plane and walking through the luxurious lay-flat beds, free Champaign and general air of superiority is enough to make anyone believe in Bernie Sanders. Then you walk farther back and it’s not so bad! There’s a reasonable amount of room, the seats look comfy enough, and it won’t be too bad to be here for the next 12 hours…oh we’re farther back still? Now we’re waaaay in the back and it’s instantly hell. Babies are crying, the lights are flickering, and the seats are falling apart. I’m honestly shocked the SAW franchise hasn’t done an installment on a plane.

For the next 12 hours, I was locked in a middle row next to a drunk guy who kept annexing my legroom, surround-sound of babies having the worst time of their tiny lives, with nothing to eat but microwaved dinner and little packets of little pretzels. (I did realize the magic of neck pillows and eye masks though, thank god for them.) Being packed into the back of the plane like sardines (while still paying a hefty sum) made me re-realize how terrible international travel is. We’ve been doing this for 104 years now…how have we not figured it out? Cars are chill, trains are chill, boats are chill too why the hell can’t planes be chill?!

Anyway, we made it, we had a great time, and I got an essay topic out of it so really how bad was it?

Do you have any tips to make international travel better? I could use each and every one of them!