On the Stress of Cooking Chicken

Once you’ve been a human for a while, it can be easy to forget all of the small things you have to do to stay alive. You have to breathe (but you have to do it the right way or you’ll destroy your body), you have to stay hydrated (but not too hydrated or you’ll put yourself in a coma with water toxicity), and you have sleep (but just the right amount or you’ll either be groggy all day or eventually drive yourself insane). On top of all these insane balancing acts, you also have to eat. Like every single day! And you can’t just eat whatever because once you stop being an invincible 20-something, everything hurts your tummy… which is why I cook a lot of chicken…and yet, cooking chicken still stresses me the fuck out!

Growing up, I didn’t mind cooking. I preferred baking, though, because it involved a hell of a lot more sugar and licking delicious spoons which, as a fat kid growing up, was my favorite sport. Now, I basically never bake because the world is a cold, dark, place where everything that brings you joy is bad for you (also because I’m lazy and there’s a target down the street that has an immaculate candy section). I do, however, find myself cooking quite a bit now and since I’m trying to be moderately healthy, that usually means chicken.

Don’t get me wrong, I like a good piece of chicken! Bread it, fry it, dice it, put it in a salad, put it on a bun, put it in a stew. It’s a versatile protein that can hang out in any social situation and is never awkward. No, no, my problem with chicken comes with the preparation and all of the stress and mess associated. I know that all raw meats come with some real risks of contamination but chicken is the worst. From the moment you open that package of raw chicken, you’re just asking for some salmonella. Every single thing it touches immediately has to go into kitchen quarantine or risk destroying your bathroom for the next 48 hours. Cutting board? Soiled. Knife? Contaminated. Whatever hand you’ve been touching the chicken with? INFECTED.

Once you’re done with the prep work, the stress doesn’t stop! You throw that bad boy in a pan or in the oven or crock pot or whatever mystical, magical, technological cooking device you have and as soon as you start washing those dirty implements, you’re just asking for some splashing with a side of food poisoning! AND THE STRESS STILL ISN’T OVER! Once the timer dings and the chicken’s “ready” you have to ask yourself…is it really ready? Did it hit that mythical 165 degrees that will save your insides from a hellish experience? Who fucking knows!? Of course, a food thermometer would alleviate these problems and I have several of them but sometimes I’m just as lazy as I am stressed, okay?!

When you finally cut into that chicken and it isn’t raw inside? Oooo boy that’s a nice moment…until you realize you’ll have to do it all over again tomorrow!

What about you? Do you have any cooking stresses that go above and beyond?