On an S.O. with a Cold
Things have been weird for about the last 22 months (thanks a lot infectious diseases!). We as a society have spent unbelievable amounts of time, money, and mental bandwidth dodging Covid-19. What I didn’t think about, until recently, is that I haven’t had a single cold or flu in almost two years. Lots of things suck in today’s world…not getting seasonal bugs is one small silver lining. Unfortunately, my girlfriend recently came down with one heck of a cold (don’t fret, we both got tested for Covid, the flu, mad cow disease, Moon fever, and boneitis) and it really got me thinking: how you act when you’re minorly sick, or a loved one is minorly sick, really says a lot about you.
I’ll start with myself and all of my wonderful shortcomings before I start throwing shade at everyone else. Despite my whiney, constantly complaining, always-yelling-about-things-on-the-internet persona, I’m actually not that bad to be around when I’m sick. Sure, I act like a baby a little bit. Sure, I like to be checked in on and asked “aww poor Will, is there anything I can get you?” Sure, I like to answer with, “Oh, I’m fine *COUGH COUGH* but maybe…if it isn’t too much trouble *COUGH COUGH* a cup of chicken noodle soup might help with my illness…and maybe a fresh slice of sourdough bread to go with it…oh and something to drink would be nice…” But after that, I’m totally good (until I need someone to take away my bowl and my cup and maybe bring me some candy because this theoretical cold is really ravaging my poor little immune system). So, what I’m saying, is that I’m a near ideal patient!
But not everyone is like me! Take my girlfriend for example. I ask her a million times a day if I can get her anything and every single time she says “No, thank you. I think I’m alright”! And then the rest of the time she just sleeps and tries to recuperate quietly in her own space! How the hell am I supposed to fulfill my inner Jewish grandmother when my patient is so self-sufficient?! She doesn’t want a cup of matzo ball soup. She doesn’t need another blanket. She doesn’t need more water or Gatorade or a slice of cake from that one bakery that’s all the way across town. She’s the easiest patient in the world and it drives me crazy!
What I need is a patient like my own father. A man who is a kind and self-sufficient gentleman…but once he gets a little cold, look out. The whole world is about to know that Pappa Peterman’s nose is a little runny. But I get it! We spend the first decade of our lives being coddled and babied and taken care of and then it’s “tough shit kid, welcome to the world, here’s your tax forms and health insurance costs a million dollars a month.” Who can blame you for wanting a little tender love and care when feel that sore throat coming on and call out of work to lay on the couch all day and watch “The Price is Right!”…wait, kid’s today don’t have to deal with the weird daytime television that was on when we were sick from school…they have Netflix and Youtube and…oh no, I feel a whole ‘nother rant-y essay coming on…
So, what about you? What kind of patient are you when you’ve got an extremely minor illness?
First of, yes, major congrats on establishing your own Lou Gehrig streak of essays! That is a huge accomplishment. Second, I have no idea where you came up with this fictional father and his “poor me” routine. I understand you need to heighten things for comedic effect but I think it’s important your readers know that this Peterman never missed one single day of work because of illness on any show I’ve been on, and one of the only days I did miss was when the author of “On an S.O. With a cold “ took 39 hours at St Joseph’s Hospital to make his first appearance in the world. So if anybody in the family likes to make a big deal of physical things like colds, or births, I suggest that author take a little look in the mirror. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a slight chill and I need to put on a heavier sweater. And maybe my lovely wife will make me some tea…Oh, Susan…
Will, for such a young guy, you have it down when it comes to the gender delineations of illness. We women, we were not coddled as much as our hairier counterparts. So we always knew we had to suck it up. By the time we are married, or in long-term relationships, the patterns are set. We roll our eyes at our partners, whose runny noses render them inoperative. But our problem is that we grit our teeth and become a little innerly pissed off. (Is innerly a word?) And so you have on one side a martyr with anger issues and on the other, a whiney child. I think you are the guy to take the new generation to a better, higher level. GO!