On French Fries

Things suck pretty bad these days…man, I feel like every essay I’ve written in the last few months have either started this way, or should have. It feels like everything is falling apart. Our laws are going back in time, our environment is going up in flames, and our mental health is going down the drain. There’re fascists in the government, microplastics in our lungs, and intrusive thoughts in our brains. I know we’re supposed to eat well and exercise and meditate and unplug but sometimes, just sometimes, you gotta go get yourself a big fucking thing of French fries and just vibe, man.

According to Belgian food historian Pierre Leclercq, French fries were first mentioned in a Parisian book in 1775 meaning they’re literally older than the United States, but there are many debates as to whether the French actually invented them… or if the Spanish did… or if the Belgians did, and I assume these counties will eventually go to war over this dispute because that’s just how things seem to go these days.

But, anyways, back to the delicious subject themselves: I don’t remember the first time I had a French fry (I imagine it was much like the moment someone finds God), but I also can’t remember a time in my life without French fries, and thank the lord, because a life without fries can hardly be called a life at all. There is truly nothing better than that moment when you chomp down on that first piping hot (but hopefully not scaldingly hot) fry. Whether it’s thin or thick, crispy or soft, straight or curly or crinkle cut or crisscut, it’s still a euphoric moment. They’re just so wonderful and salty and hot and the most perfect sauce delivery system humans have ever invented.

Fries aren’t just delicious though, they’re great team players: they go with EVERYTHING! Is a burger really a burger without fries? Best thing to have with a hot dog? Clearly fries. You want chips with your sandwich? Go ahead, I’d rather have fries. They’re even good IN a burrito and if you haven’t had a California burrito, you’re missing out! And they’re not even that expensive! While a good cup of coffee might cost you $7 in today’s world of insane inflation, an order of fries can still be had for just a couple bucks.

Now, I know, they’re not good for you. I’ll give you that, but what IS good for you these days? Get some sun, but not too much sun! Chocolate is good for you, just kidding, no it’s not. A glass of wine will help you live longer…PSYCH any alcohol is bad for you! When you really get down to it, everything is bad for you because humans weren’t supposed to live as long as we do now, so just remember, everything in moderation.

So, whether you like steak fries or shoe strings, whether you dip them in ketchup, mustard, ranch, or (shivers violently) mayo, whether you eat them with your burger or put those suckers right on there: Eat a fry for me…but also save me a few.

What’s your favorite kind of fry? Where from? And what kinda sauce? I HAVE SO MANY FRY RELATED QUESTIONS!