First of all, I’m loving the illustration. Cartoony, yet still nightmarish. And still thanking the universe for that strategically place iPhone. Or maybe it’s the Old Testament Yahweh I (and you) should be thanking, since the angel of death and the lesser known but still dangerous angel of crazy dogs passed over you during the 8 days I was actually eating matzoh instead of bread and bagels. And didn’t slip once! Even at an Italian place where they gave us warm bread with olive oil. And of course, it could have just been one of those moments where you come face to face with the absolute randomness of life. Neil Degrasse Tyson had some statistic about how many billions of combinations of DNA are possible and therefore, how miraculous it is that any of us actually get born. So, I guess along with the plus side of having won that lottery, we have to also accept the negative possibility of being hit by lightning, a meteorite, a stray bullet from a road rage incident on the other side of the freeway, or a German Shepherd who didn’t like your shorts. And at least he gave you a subject for an essay! Which you’re writing with an intact thigh and iPhone! Huzzah!
I know what you really want from this comment is for me to say how proud I am of your resolve in not eating leavened bread...and I am very proud of you!
Hell, your dog lady got off EASY! Some people would have caused her a lot of financial hardship! But not you, Mr. Good Guy. Good on you, Will. No more dog curses please.
The more I think about it the more I should have at least gotten a new pair of shorts out of it! Oh well, hopefully I'll get some good karma for not throwing a hissy fit at this lady who was clearly mortified by her dog's behavior.
I know you were in a daze, but you shouldn't have walked away. You need to find that woman and that dog and report them to the appropriate City or County agency! If the dog did it to you, he will do it to others - he is a danger! Also, you should make her pay for a new pair of shorts, and whatever injury there was to your leg, because I bet there was some. (Just a little advice from an old lawyer who went to college with your father.)
You’re absolutely right, I should have and I’m kicking myself for it every time I see those ripped shorts. I was definitely in a bit of shock and unfortunately my fight or flight reactions don’t have a “judicial” setting! Also thankfully, the dog didn’t get any skin and I was just left with a slobbery leg
It was the first nice day after a horrific Chicago winter - 2011. We had shoveled all winter, snowdrifts up to our shoulders. My husband was in his 70s, but insisted on doing it all (although I would sneak out and do some shoveling in the early morning hours. ) A relentless winter. That first nice day was Mother's Day. Nickelby (cairn/silky mix) and Kasper (bichon/maltese) hadn't had a walk all winter. It was a day of joy that that could walk in tandem, which they adored, with Dad. A Cane Corso and a huge bulldog pushed through their own unlocked gate. The Cane Corso got hold of Kasper's backside, the bulldog bit Nickelby. My husband was brought down on his arthritic knees, not knowing if he pulled too hard would Kasper be ripped in two. The dog finally let go, my husband hobbled home with a towel a neighbor had given him. I will never forget him coming to the front door and saying, "Kasper's hurt. He's hurt so bad." The luck of living in a large city of Chicago: an emergency vet was three blocks away. Kasper had four emergency surgeries in five days - the skin of his entire back half was ripped off, we fought infection. He eventually recovered. But this was one of the worst things we've ever lived through. My husband said I became a general, taking care of him. I told my husband, "you did what needed to be done. You got him to the front door." Kasper is now 14 years old, and doing well. Leash your dogs, people!
I have the curse of "the shirt". No matter what I eat or what precautions I take, every shirt I own has the same spot. In front, half way down, just a little off-center. They just magically appear. I guess I should just give in and carry one of those bibs they hand out at lobster restaurants.
Yikes! That is mighty scary.. Glad you’re ok. I remember getting attacked by a giant French poodle appropriately named “Scourge” when I was little. Despite that trauma, my first dog was a poodle…go figure. I am truly amazed this woman didn’t offer to reimburse you for the torn shorts at the very least. Thank goodness for the strategically placed cell phone! xo
First of all, I’m loving the illustration. Cartoony, yet still nightmarish. And still thanking the universe for that strategically place iPhone. Or maybe it’s the Old Testament Yahweh I (and you) should be thanking, since the angel of death and the lesser known but still dangerous angel of crazy dogs passed over you during the 8 days I was actually eating matzoh instead of bread and bagels. And didn’t slip once! Even at an Italian place where they gave us warm bread with olive oil. And of course, it could have just been one of those moments where you come face to face with the absolute randomness of life. Neil Degrasse Tyson had some statistic about how many billions of combinations of DNA are possible and therefore, how miraculous it is that any of us actually get born. So, I guess along with the plus side of having won that lottery, we have to also accept the negative possibility of being hit by lightning, a meteorite, a stray bullet from a road rage incident on the other side of the freeway, or a German Shepherd who didn’t like your shorts. And at least he gave you a subject for an essay! Which you’re writing with an intact thigh and iPhone! Huzzah!
I know what you really want from this comment is for me to say how proud I am of your resolve in not eating leavened bread...and I am very proud of you!
Hahaha. You know me so well
Hell, your dog lady got off EASY! Some people would have caused her a lot of financial hardship! But not you, Mr. Good Guy. Good on you, Will. No more dog curses please.
The more I think about it the more I should have at least gotten a new pair of shorts out of it! Oh well, hopefully I'll get some good karma for not throwing a hissy fit at this lady who was clearly mortified by her dog's behavior.
I know you were in a daze, but you shouldn't have walked away. You need to find that woman and that dog and report them to the appropriate City or County agency! If the dog did it to you, he will do it to others - he is a danger! Also, you should make her pay for a new pair of shorts, and whatever injury there was to your leg, because I bet there was some. (Just a little advice from an old lawyer who went to college with your father.)
You’re absolutely right, I should have and I’m kicking myself for it every time I see those ripped shorts. I was definitely in a bit of shock and unfortunately my fight or flight reactions don’t have a “judicial” setting! Also thankfully, the dog didn’t get any skin and I was just left with a slobbery leg
On the other hand, if you think this requires a drone, I still have some drone time in my account!
So sorry, Dude! Please don’t write about me or about Uncle Nick and the end of Phantom or your blessed parents! And, please don’t give up on dogs! 🙏
Hmmm this is giving me an idea. Maybe I should try to use my Substack curse as some sort of super power...and I'll never give up on dogs, don't worry!
I'm so sorry! And that horrid woman should have pulled out her wallet immediately to cover the damage.
That would have been nice but honestly, in retrospect I feel bad for her, she was so clearly mortified!
Who let the (bitey) dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?
It was the first nice day after a horrific Chicago winter - 2011. We had shoveled all winter, snowdrifts up to our shoulders. My husband was in his 70s, but insisted on doing it all (although I would sneak out and do some shoveling in the early morning hours. ) A relentless winter. That first nice day was Mother's Day. Nickelby (cairn/silky mix) and Kasper (bichon/maltese) hadn't had a walk all winter. It was a day of joy that that could walk in tandem, which they adored, with Dad. A Cane Corso and a huge bulldog pushed through their own unlocked gate. The Cane Corso got hold of Kasper's backside, the bulldog bit Nickelby. My husband was brought down on his arthritic knees, not knowing if he pulled too hard would Kasper be ripped in two. The dog finally let go, my husband hobbled home with a towel a neighbor had given him. I will never forget him coming to the front door and saying, "Kasper's hurt. He's hurt so bad." The luck of living in a large city of Chicago: an emergency vet was three blocks away. Kasper had four emergency surgeries in five days - the skin of his entire back half was ripped off, we fought infection. He eventually recovered. But this was one of the worst things we've ever lived through. My husband said I became a general, taking care of him. I told my husband, "you did what needed to be done. You got him to the front door." Kasper is now 14 years old, and doing well. Leash your dogs, people!
Awww poor Kasper! That’s so scary but I’m glad they made a full recovery!
Have you tried reverse psychology on this curse?
This is a brilliant idea, I should write a series of essays about how I've never won the lottery. Really test out the limits of my powers.
I have the curse of "the shirt". No matter what I eat or what precautions I take, every shirt I own has the same spot. In front, half way down, just a little off-center. They just magically appear. I guess I should just give in and carry one of those bibs they hand out at lobster restaurants.
well it sounds like you don't need a full sized bib, maybe just one exactly the size of "the stain"!
Yikes! That is mighty scary.. Glad you’re ok. I remember getting attacked by a giant French poodle appropriately named “Scourge” when I was little. Despite that trauma, my first dog was a poodle…go figure. I am truly amazed this woman didn’t offer to reimburse you for the torn shorts at the very least. Thank goodness for the strategically placed cell phone! xo