On Getting Mad On Purpose

I like to write about emotions because they’re one of the few things that are truly universal. It doesn’t matter who you voted for, how much money you make, where you were born, or what you identify as. Everybody has experienced, happiness, sadness, loneliness…etc. The situations which bring out these emotions in us can be wildly different, so I want to explore rage, furious, unbridled, anger through a lens that will alienate 80% of you right from the jump: golf.

I played a little golf as a kid. I actually really liked it. I was around 9 years old and I was getting better and starting to really understand the game…until that fateful day. I was playing at the Los Feliz pitch-and-putt with my dad when I happened to hit a stray shot that nailed an old lady who was SITTING ON THE COURSE IN A LAWN CHAIR WITH HER FRIEND. It doesn’t matter that it only hit her arm, it didn’t matter that as a small child I couldn’t hit the ball with too much force, and it didn’t matter that her friend told her to stop whining she wasn’t hurt and she was making me feel bad. I immediately burst into tears, told my dad I wanted to go home NOW, and quit golf for more than a decade. I still sometimes see that old lady in my dreams…yelling at me in Russian, making me cry. She’s probably dead by now, and I’m still alive…so

Will: 1

Mean Old Russian Lady: 0.

Now that I’m a 30-year-old man, I’ve really tried to improve my game to the point where I can comfortably play a round without wanting to throw every single club in my bag as far as I can before dropping to the ground and screaming like a baby about how much I hate this game. Yes, its true, golf is pretty much a scheduled appointment to get furious on purpose.

Golf seems so easy in theory: hit the little white ball in generally the right direction a few times, then move on to the next hole. But, in reality, it’s just a contest to see who can get the least mad.

It’s very weird! Why would so many people waste nice days doing a thing that 99% of the time makes your blood boil? Well, I think I might be closing in on an answer. I think it’s in the same vein as gambling, driving a car on a race track, or taking random pills you find on the ground at a concert: the prospect of a horrible outcome makes even a neutral outcome seem like a giant victory. If you go into a round of golf expecting to end up in tears, and instead you just end up losing your voice from swearing at the top of your lungs…well that’s kind of a win!

So anyways, what I’m really trying to say is, you should definitely start playing golf. It’s great. It’s relaxing. It’s the easiest way to get the maddest you’ve ever been!