On the Bathroom Hunt

So, say you’re going with your significant other or friend to a party. You’re not even sure if you want to go. It’s been a long week, you’re tired, you kinda wanna just lay on the couch and eat Hot Cheetos, but fine. You’re going to be a good friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/nonbinary friend and you’re gonna go. First off, great job, I’m very proud of you. Second, buckle up.

You get to an unfamiliar house. The first thing you think is, “dang, who can afford a house in this day and age? Are they boomers? Did their parents buy it for them? Maybe they work in finance. Oh, I bet they were super early on bitcoin.” Regardless, you’re impressed. You two walk in, you mingle a little bit, grab a drink or some snacks. Then that first fateful moment happens: you get separated from the person who brought you here. No problem. We’re all adults here, we can talk to some friendly strangers, exist as a singular entity for a moment. So, everything is still going okay! You talk to some nice folks, you have another drink, you make eye contact with your partner in crime and get a reassuring smile. That’s when the second fateful moment happens and things start to go downhill…WAY downhill. You suddenly feel that urge, deep in your bladder…it’s time to pee, but there’s a big problem…where the heck is the bathroom?

You ask the people you’re in conversation with if they know where it is…and all they can give you is a vague, “I think it’s that way.” So, the hunt begins. You start walking down the hallway and all you see is closed doors. Behind you is a warm, inviting, welcoming party…but no bathroom. In front of you is…darkness, mystery, but possibly a bathroom…so you trek on. You think to yourself, “well, surely the bathroom will have a light on, or at least the door open.” But, as you keep walking, every door is closed, the house gets darker as you go farther in, the party behind you gets quieter…slowly but surely you realize you’re in a horror movie. You turn a corner and there are just MORE DOORS. You really have to pee now, so you weigh your options and final you decide, you have to start opening doors. You put your hand on the first handle and images of terror flash before your eyes: a cat escaping from its home prison and never coming back, someone crying in private suddenly exposed to your prying eyes, A SEX DUNGON full of monstrous marital aids!

You turn the knob slowly and carefully open the door…and…it’s…just a boring office. Okay sigh of relief but it’s STILL not the bathroom you desperately need. You go to the next door, same mental images, same slow knob turn…and…it’s…Ooo a pretty nice home gym. That peloton looks brand new, I wonder if they ever even use it. FOCUS! Still gotta pee! There’s one last door in the hallway, you say a little pray and open the door…and…it’s…HEAVEN! A bathroom! A really nice one at that! You do your business, wash up and leave the bathroom and rejoin the party, sidling up to your compatriot…they have no idea the emotional journey you just went on.

So, how do you handle the bathroom hunt in a strange place? Try every door? Hold it till you get home?